


Gary Splotter and the Idiot's Rock

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-08-16
Updated: 2007-08-16
Packaged: 2019-01-19 20:50:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12417906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Gary Splotter is a very unintelligent child who gets the chance to go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. When he is re-united with his friend Dom, whom he doesn't remember, the two embark on a school year filled with surprises, danger, and Gary's stupidity.





	Gary Splotter and the Idiot's Rock

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

**Chapter 1**   
I'm Good at Magic  


            **T** his is the story of Gary Splotter, the boy with a scar of a squid on his forehead. It is the story of how he conquers dangerous and difficult tasks by pure blind luck. Of how he is in complete unawareness of how much of a physical danger he is to all (including himself). The legacy, the saga, _the_ story. And this story starts in the Splotters' household.

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            Magic flashed back and forth as Mrs. Splotter tried to prepare more breakfast and clean the clothes at the same time. Garry sat at the table eating eggs. He stopped for a second and looked at his fork.

            "I bet I could fly on this," he thought. Barely able to stand his excitement, he got up and went upstairs. After he had gone, his mother noticed he was missing.

            _CRASH!  
_

Mrs. Splotter went outside to see what the noise was. She saw her son in a pile on the ground. "Again!" he yelled.

Before she could react, an owl flew straight into her. Quite flustered she got up. "What's that mom?" Gary asked as he stumbled over.

            "A letter," she answered. She took the letter from the owl and it flew off. "It's for you."

            Gary took the letter and read it:

Mr. Gary Splotter  


We would like to congratulate you on being accepted to  
Hogwarts School  
of Witchcraft and Wizardry  


On the back is a list of items needed.  


Go to Platform Three Thirds a. k. a. Platform Twenty  


Teachers:  
Professor Bumbledor - Head master  
Professor McDonald  
Professor Drape  
Professor Nitwit  
Professor Lasagna  
Professor Sprout  
Professor Squirrel  
Grounds Keeper - Rubus Tagrid  
Quidditch Referee - Mrs. Pooch  


            "I don't need to go to a school for magic," Gary said after reading the letter. "I'm good at magic." His mother tried to hide her laughter. During which, Gary pulled out his father's wand. He pointed it at the house.

            " _Nnnooooooo!!!!!_ " his mother screamed as in a flick Gary sent a fire ball at the house, setting it in flames.

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            Gary looked around the train station, searching for Platform Three Thirds. "Hey Gary!" he heard behind him. Gary turned around. "Who the Hell are you?" He looked at the boy in front of him. He had red hair and his mind couldn't concentrate beyond that.

            "I'm Dom, Dom Measly," Dom told him. "You know me don't you?"

            "No."

            "Gary, we've been friends since we were babies. We neighbors for crying out loud."

            "Uh, no we aren't."

            Dom sighed. "You truly are an idiot," he muttered. Then, louder, "Come on." Because Gary was too stupid for much free thought, he followed. "Now, lets go through the barrier."

            "What barrier?" Gary didn't understand. All he saw in front of him was the brick wall that separated the platforms.

            "Just watch." Gary watched as Dom ran straight through the wall. "Hey," he said, "why didn't that happened the last time I ran into a wall. Oh well." Gary stepped back and tried his best to run into the wall. Unfortunately, he missed. And, due to the fact he couldn't stop, he kept going and slammed into the train in the station. Gary got off the ground. "Cooool." People had started to stare.

            He went back to the barrier and tried again. This time he went through, but still had a hard time stopping. He stopped in time though. "Let me try that again."

            He stepped out of the barrier. Before he could do anything, everyone in the station watched as Dom's hand stretched out of the barrier, grabbed Gary, and pulled him back in.

            " _Come on_ ," Dom growled. He then saw a paper on the wall behind Gary.

            _The Hogwarts Express has been stolen.  
_ __

___Signed,_  
_The Cowboys of England  
_ __

__

            "Great, now I guess we'll have to _walk_ to Hogwarts Dom."

            Dom sighed. "Better get started.

**Chapter 2**   
The Sorting Blanket   


            **G** ary impatiently waited for it to be his turn to be sorted into one of the four Hogwarts houses. Finally, his turn came. He walked into the Great Hall.

            "Where is Professor McMuffin?" he asked as he walked down the isle to the front of the hall.

            A tall sturdy teacher waited for him at the end of the isle. "My name is Professor McDonald, Mr. Splotter, and if you do not get it right I'm afraid you shall be expelled," she told him.

            "But McMuffin and McDonald, they're the same thing, because McDonald's make McMuffins and McMuffin's make McFries. No, wait -"

            "You need to be sorted," Professor McDonald interrupted him.

            "Sorted?"

            "Sorted into your house."

            Everyone in the hall stifled their laughter. Gary thought for a second. "Well…can I finish my gum first?"

            "No, come here!"

            "Okay." Gary started to move, and then stopped. He was directly in front of Professor McDonald. "What if I don't wanna?" Professor McDonald growled. "Oh, yeah?" Gary asked. He then spit his gum into his hand and wiped it onto Professor McDonald's robes.

            "Ugh, of all the sick things!" she groaned.

            "Fine, I'll go," he said, walking forwards. "'Cause ya have gum on ya." Gary walked up to the front of the Great Hall. Professor McDonald was searching around behind the table at the way front where all the teachers sat.

            "Where is the sorting hat? It was right here a moment ago," she muttered. "Oh, well. We always have the sorting blanket as our second option," she groaned as she pulled an object out.

           "Put on the sorting blanket, Mr. Splotter," she said as she draped a blanket over Gary. In his ear, Gary heard a voice.

_Hmm.... Now which house should I put you in? Let's see, you have a great lack of intelligence. Most likely are to annoy many in the house you're put in. And you'll lose them tons of points, no doubt. Let's see, I been angry at Gryffindor. Yes, that's it; you'll be in ... GRYFFINDOR!  
_ __

            "Who said that?" Gary asked in confusion.

            "The blanket."

            "The blanket can talk?" Gary began searching all over the blanket for a mouth. He ended up wrapping the blanket all around him and fell over into the teacher's table.

            "Get up!" Professor McDonald yelled at him. The blanket had had enough by now.

            "It's strangling me!" Gary protested. Professor McDonald grabbed the sorting blanket and started pulling it off Gary. "Get off him blanket!" she groaned.

            As soon as Gary got up, he grabbed the blanket. "But where's its mouth?" he

asked, looking all over the blanket. Then the next second later he threw it over his shoulder saying, "Doesn't matter."

            "Now, I suppose I should introduce you to the teachers," Professor McDonald said as another teacher picked up the sorting blanket and put it away. "By the way, your friend, Dom Measly, has been sorted into Gryffindor as well."

            "What? He's not my friend. I - I haven't even met him before. He's all like, 'Hey, hello friend. What's up?' I'm like, 'Who the heck are you?'"

            "You're stupid."

            "I am?" Gary asked in denial.

            "Yes, now I'll introduce you to the teachers." As she said each teacher's name, she pointed at him or her. "There's Professor Drape, -"

            "Professor Spade?"

            "No. Now there's also Professor Squirrel -"

            "Squirrel?"

            "Squirrel, Drape -"

            "Squirrels like nuts," Gary said and began to mock Professor Squirrel. "'Hey, I'm Professor Squirrel. Give me a nut please and I'll climb up a tree and wave my tail at ya.'" Gary then started singing to the melody of the YMCA song and trying to do hand motions to go with the song. "Sing it to the squirrel, yeah, sing it to the squirrel."

            "Listen! Everyone back to their dormitories." Gary had made Professor McDonald forget about the other students waiting to be sorted. "And you have potions tomorrow," she said to Gary.

            "Who teaches potions? Spade?"

            "You'll find out tomorrow."

            "Gotta go!" Gary said. He then ran to the door singing some song. Unfortunately, he missed the door and ran into the wall.

**Chapter 3**   
Professor Drape, the Mind Reader  


            **"I** have Potions, so where's Dom?" Gary was in the potions room and (as you've probably guessed) was looking for Dom. "Oh, Dom!" Gary screamed, "Oh, Dom! Oh, where art thou Dom?"

            "Mr. Splotter! What are you yelling about?" Professor Drape asked as he stormed into the room.

            "Hi, uh, Professor…Spade!"

            "I'm Drape!" the professor yelled at him.

            "Whatever!"

            "Hmm, they were right. You must have been shipped from the insane house. You are stupid. You have nothing in there, do you?" the teacher said, rapping him on the head.

            "Are you from Jamaica?"

            "And what makes you think that?" he asked, clearly annoyed.

            "I dunno. Are you?"

            "And what if I was, what would you do?"

            "I dunno." Gary answered. "Are you?"

            "No."

            "Where you from?"

            "Transylvania," Professor Drape said quietly.

            "Transylvania? You're a werewolf!"

            "You idiot! Vampires are from there!"

            "You can read minds!"

            "No - wha - no I don't. No, no, _no!_ "  


            "Get out of my head! Get out of my head!" Gary yelled. He ran to one of the tables and started banging his head against it. "Get out of my head! Get out of my head! Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!" He got up and ran into a wall. "Aaahhh!!! I've gotta stop running into walls!!!"

            Professor Drape had had enough. He started chasing Gary around the room. The other students just watched.

            "Get out of my head!" Gary screamed. "I won't tell anyone, I promise!" (Gary had forgotten about the rest of the class).

            " _Avada Kedavra!_ " Professor Drape yelled.

            The spell seemed to have no effect on Gary (Professor Bumbledor later had decided - when Professor Drape asked him - that Gary's stupidity was so great at the time it had deflected the spell (Professor Drape didn't tell Professor Bumbledor _which_ spell he used)). "What does that mean?" Gary asked.

            "It's supposed to kill you!"

            "Since when?"

            Professor Drape sighed. "You are the _stupidest_ child in your class!"

            "Well, I'm not the one who reads minds," Gary countered.

            "I do not read minds!"

"Oh sure, try to hide it. Don't worry about it though, because - heh, uh, heh - I won't tell anyone," Gary stuttered. Professor Drape had raised his wand at him. "But, uh, yeah…what's it like to read minds?"

"Let me show you."

"No, uh, bye, uh, ahhh! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" Gary screamed and ran out of the room. He shut the door behind him. "Potions Class is over."

"Gary!" Dom yelled from the class.

"Get out of my head!"

"We have flying next!" The door opened and Dom stepped out. "We have flying next."

"Wait a minute. I was with Professor Drape, and he read minds, although, I told him I wouldn't tell anyone. See how deceitful I am? I mean, I am the smartest guy in the world."

"If you were the smartest guy in the world, you'd know you'd be at flying already."

"With Mrs. Pooch?"

" _Come on!_ Man, you are the stupidest kid in our class."

"No, I'm smart!"

"Stupid!"

**Chapter 4**   
UP!  


            **G** ary was out in the Quidditch field, waiting for Mrs. Pooch. "Wands taste good, you know," he muttered to himself as waited. Then, Mrs. Pooch walked up to him.

            "Hello, Mr. Splotter, I'm Mrs. Pooch." Gary was to be taught flying separately after what happened in his first class.

            Gary was bored so he decided to hit Mrs. Pooch with his wand. "Five points from Gryffindor!"

            "For what?"

            "For violence."

            "Like this?" Gary then began to hit his head.

            "I don't care if you hit yourself, but if you hit me…. Now, go over to your broom." Gary held up his wand. "That's the wand."

            Gary got up. "Is this the broom, right here?" he asked as he walked over to a broom.

            "Yes, yes, yes."

            "Do I stand right here," and Gary stood to the left of the broom, "right here," and Gary stood to the right, "or right here," and Gary stood directly over the broom, with one leg on each side.

            "Yes, that's fine. Now, say 'Up'."

            "Up!" BAM! "Ohhhh," Gary moaned as he slumped to the floor. "I don't think that was supposed to happen."

            "Mr. Splotter, look out!" Mrs. Pooch yelled as an orange ball flew at Gary. Gary caught it but it hit his face and knocked him back. "Why, Mr. Splotter! I can't believe you caught that! You are now the seeker of the Gryffindor Quidditch team! Yes, now, flying is over." Gary hit her with his wand. "Ow. Five points!"

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            "Why are we here?" Gary asked Dom.

            "That's a good question, Splotter. Why are you with this idiot?" a voice said as a boy walked up to Gary and Dom.

            "Who are you calling an idiot," Dom growled.

            "Why you, Measly. We all know that your father is a disgrace to the wizarding world."

            "Shut up!"

            "No, you shut up!"

            "Gary!"

            "Sorry," Gary said.

            "Listen, Splotter," the kid said, "we all know you're not the smartest kid around. You'll have a hard time seeing which wizard families are better than others. _I_ can help you there."

            "Can you read minds?"

            "I'm giving you one chance, Splotter. You want my help or not?"

            "Get out of here, Malfoy!" Dom told him.

            Malfoy walked up to him. "Just remember Measly. _You_ might know me, but your friend here doesn't. Keep it in mind." He then walked off, a slight smirk on his face. Dom's was contorted in rage. Gary was still trying to understand what just happened.

            "Hey, Dom. Didn't you say you wanted to show me something?"

            "That's right," Dom answered, shaking away his anger. "Did you know, because you're seeker, your father was a seeker."

            "What?"

            "I mean, your father was also a seeker. Well, come on, I'll show you, right now." While the two boys were looking at Gary's father, they heard a "Meow" from behind them. They turned around. "It's Finch's cat!" Finch watched the halls, making sure any that weren't suppose to be in the halls wasn't there. And his cat always helped him. "Come on," and Dom dragged Gary into the third corridor, which was off limits.

            "Ahhhhh!" Gary screamed.

            "What do you think that is?"

            "A little tiny spider! A spider! I saw a spider!"

            "I meant that!" Dom said as he pointed to a three-headed dog.

            "Ahhhhhhh! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhhh!" Gary screamed as him and Dom ran out of the third corridor. "Why was there a three headed dog?" Gary asked as soon as they were safe.

            "I think its name was - "

            "Stamsung!"

            "No, Cotton."

            "Cotton? Like clothing."

            "No, really?" Dom asked sarcastically.

            "I'm gonna go to sleep."

            "Gary?" Dom shook him slightly.

            "Stop touching me!" Gary yelled. The next second, they heard a scream.

            "Gary! There's somebody in the girls' bathroom!"

            "I'll go take a look."

**Chapter 5**   
"Stay out of the Girls' Bathroom"  


            **G** ary walked into the girls' bathroom and looked around. A troll stared at him and growled. Gary screamed and was about to run away when he noticed a mirror. "Ooh, a mirror." He started combing his hair. The troll lumbered over and started looking over himself as well. "Hey, hey! This is mine!" Gary said and poked the troll with his comb. He then went back to combing his hair and the troll to looking at himself in the mirror. Then, suddenly, Gary screamed, "Die!" and sliced the troll's throat with his comb. The troll fell back and moaned in pain.

            "I sliced his throat with a comb. I sliced his throat with a comb," he said again, holding up the comb. "Heh, heh, a _comb_.”

            The troll growled and rubbed his throat. He got up. Gary dropped the comb and the troll picked it up. Gary ran out of the bathroom screaming, "The comb!" He stopped and looked behind him. "Ahhhh, it's the troll!" Gary screamed as the troll lumbered towards him. "I'm gonna kick him in the balls!" Gary ran at the troll and kicked his crotch. The troll growled and ran off. "And stay out of the girls' bathroom 'cause you're definitely a guy!" Gary yelled after him.

            "Now, who made the scream?" Gary asked to himself as he walked back to the bathroom. "He probably flushed her down the toilet. Now, where's Dom? Oh, hi Dom."

            "I'm not Dom, I'm Professor Drape."

            "Drape? Spade!"

            Professor Drape sighed. "What was that noise?"

            "You should already know. You probably already in my head by now."

            "Mr. Splotter, you have a Quidditch game right now."

            "But I don't know how to play Quidditch. I only had one practice and that was a painful thing because it hit me in the - yes."

            "Well, then, you'll learn during the game, now come on," and Professor Drape stomped off.

            "Professor Spade seems a little spadey today, hoohoohooroo."

**Chapter 6**   
Gryffindor's New Seeker  


            **"W** elcome to today's first Quidditch match of the year," said the announcer. "Gary Splotter is the new seeker for Gryffindor. And he's doing a… _really_ weird job. He's trying to fly…on a comb." In the next second, everyone gasped. "Gary Splotter is being bucked off his broom!" Gary was flying in all directions, barely able to stay on, and by the time his broom stopped he had knocked most of the players off their brooms. "And Gary sees the snitch! He's diving for it! He's diving! And he's not pulling up!"

            Gary smashed into the ground. When he got up, he was holding the snitch. "Gary's got it! Gryffindor wins!"

          Everyone rushed into the field. Dom fought his way to Gary. "Gary, you almost just got bucked off your broom right? I think I know who did it."

            "Who?"

            "Professor Drape."

            "Hmmmm. Where do we go next?"

            "Common room, I think."

            "Let's go!"

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            "Hey, Gary! Take a look at this!" Gary came over to Dom. "It's a package for you. Doesn't say who it's from."

            "Present!" Gary yelled and ripped the wrapping away. "What is it?"

            "It says here it's your father's invisibility cloak. Wanna sneak around the school?"

            "Alright," Gary said as they put it on. They got out of their common room. They started walking and hit into a wall.

"Gary!" Dom hissed.

"Sorry."

They walked to the library. Once in there, Gary pulled out his wand and said, " _Lumos._ " His wand gave off a light at its tip. Dom pulled out a book and started reading from it.

"It says, 'The dog Cotton is hiding the Idiot's Rock.' I think I know where we can find out some more information about this Idiot's Rock."

"Where?"

"The Forbidden Forest."

"But it's dark out."

"Which is why we have _Lumos._ "

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"It's scary, dude, it's scary. You go first." They were in the forest.

"Why do I have to go first?"

"'Cause I'm scared." Dom just groaned. "I'm scared," Gary whimpered.

"You're always scared."

"How would you know? You've only known me for a couple of weeks."

"More like years." As they kept going, Gary kept whimpering. "Why don't you go ahead Gary?" Dom asked after a while.

"But there's lightning bugs."

"Oh, my gosh," Dom groaned. "You're such a little - "

"Idiot?"

"Well, you are pretty stupid." A dark figure suddenly appeared in front of them and moved towards them. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!" the two boys screamed and ran back to the castle. On the way back, Gary ran into a wall. "Man, you've gotta stop running into walls," Dom told him.

**Chapter 7**   
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named  


**B** ack in the common room, Gary and Dom tried to catch their breaths. "Th-that was scary," Gary panted.

"Tell me about it."

"Well…ahhhhhh!"

"Listen, that guy was He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."

"You mean the guy who tried to kill me at birth?"

"Yeah. The guy who gave you that scar."

Gary was getting bored. He grabbed his wand and started beating Dom. "Die!"

"Listen, tomorrow night, third floor corridor."

"Look at me, I'm a head on a stick," Gary said as he balanced his head on his wand. "See, 'cause my wand's like a stick and - "

"Please, shut up."

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"Gary, wake up!" Dom yelled at Gary.

"What?"

"We need to go to the third floor corridor."

"No."

Dom picked up a blanket and hit Gary with it. "Up, you idiot!"

"I'm up! I'm up! I'm up and ready to go!" said Gary as he got up and out of bed. "But I am _not_ going back there. There're spiders and that three-headed dog."

"Oh, well."

"But what if I get squashed, and eaten, and climbed on, and - "

"But you _won't_ Gary. Besides, you know what I heard about the Idiot's Rock? It can make you the richest and the smartest man in the world. But there is only one person who can stop us - Dribble Shorttop!"

Dribble was facing them. "I won't let you guys leave," he said. "You're gonna lose Gryffindor points!"

"Oh, yeah?" Dom countered. "Well watch this!" Dom then tried to cast a spell but realized that he didn't have his wand. "Where's my wand?" Gary just grabbed a sweatshirt and tackled Dribble with it.

"Get off him Gary! Gary!" He pointed his wand at Dribble. " _Stickles Sticken!_ " Dom yelled. Gary got off him; Dribble couldn't move. "Alright, let's go," Dom said.

**Chapter 8**   
The Idiot's Rock  


**T** he two opened the door to Cotton's room. The dog was sleeping on the floor quietly.

"Look Gary. A trap door," Dom whispered. He opened the door and jumped inside. Gary followed him. They both fell onto a plant and the plant started to strangle them.

"Ack! Gary! Try to fight the plant!" Dom yelled. He struggled with it till it let go of him. Dom got up and tried to help Gary. As soon as he got one vine off though, another grabbed Gary. Dom tugged off the other and, again, another vine grabbed Gary. This happened three more times before Dom pulled Gary out.

"Whew," Dom sighed. "We're safe." Then, yet another vine grabbed Gary and pulled him back down. Eventually, Dom pulled Gary out. "Okay, we're safe."

"That hurt!" Gary yelled. Gary then saw a door and walked over to it with Dom.

"It's locked," Dom said after trying to open it. He then tried to ram the door.

"I thought I was suppose to be the one that ran into doors." Gary said.

"You're right. Ya wanna?"

"Yes." Gary charged at the door. "Ow!"

"I think we need to catch that key up there."

"But the door's open."

"It is?"

"Yeah, it did when I ran into it." Gary opened the door slightly, then slammed it shut.

"Dude," Dom said, "I think I just saw Professor S - "

"Spade!"

"No, Professor Squirrel."

"Spade."

"But why would Squirrel be there?"

"He's trying to save Professor Spade from that plant!"

"Let's go in." The two entered the room. Dom walked farther into the room. All of a sudden, someone jumped out and attacked him. Professor Squirrel then walked towards Gary.

"Well, well. Mr. Splotter, I didn't expect you to get this far. But still, you'll never get the Idiot's Rock."

"What the heck are you talking about?"

"Smartest, richest man in the world."

"But I thought you were saving Professor Spade from that plant."

"Professor Spade is of no matter to me. But I want to show you someone - He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named." Professor Squirrel turned around and took off the cloth wrapped around his head. A man's face looked out at Gary from the back of Professor Squirrel's head.

"So, Gary, we meet again. But you shall die this time."

"Says who?"

"Says I! Kill him!" Professor Squirrel lunged at Gary but missed. He got up.

"You know what? I quit."

"What? But I want the Idiot's Rock."

"What?!?!?" He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named bellowed. "How dare you defy my orders, Squirrel! You shall die!" Professor Squirrel began to writhe in pain. Gary got bored and went to sleep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Gary woke up in the hospital wing. Professor Bumbledor was sitting by his bed. "What happened?" Gary asked.

"Professor Squirrel died," the headmaster told him, "because he would not obey Lord Voldemort's orders. And the Idiot's Rock is safe, thanks to you. Now, if I were you, I'd hurry down to the feast."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The doors to the Great Hall opened as Gary entered. Dom and the teachers were the only applause heard as Gary walked to his table. As soon as Gary sat down, Professor Bumbledor stood up.

"It would seem," he said, "that the House Cup would go to Slytherin. But there are a few final points that need to be given. To Gary Splotter, who braved a difficult task while struggling through sheer stupidity, I award 60 points. To Dom Measly, who Gary would most likely have failed with out, I award 50 points. And it seems the House Cup goes to…Gryffindor."

No applause rung out but Professor Bumbledor's. Everyone was dumbstruck by the fact that _Gary Splotter_ had won Gryffindor House Cup.


End file.
